Tonight I drew a line in the muddy landscape of us.
I don’t know what changed, but this week I seem to have gained some self respect.
I realised that I was becoming the Polish girl to his next relationship (see previous posts) and I don’t wanna do that to another lass. I know what it feels like.
I realised that if we just stop holding back, that spark is there. We went to Scotland last week for 5 days. We went wild camping and climbed peaks in Glen Coe, and Ben Nevis. We had an amazing time and, when I put my arm down and stopped pushing him away, the spark was there. We wrestled each other to the ground, we talked about anything and everything, we ripped each others clothes off.
He was excited about going wild camping again…it won’t be possible if he dates another lass. No lass would be cool with me taking him away. No lass.
We’ve been scared to hurt each other and ourselves. For the last 4,5 months we’ve been unable to do without one another for more than a couple of days, but we haven’t really let the other one past an invisible wall. It’s now got to the point where we are both talking to people on dating sites and testing the waters…this week I’ve realised if I don’t say something now, before I move on, I’ll regret it forever.
He keeps telling me he’s looking for a relationship now, he wants commitment. I’ve told him I’m sat right there, the relationship he wants is right in front of him if he wants to commit and treat me like the woman I am. I’m worth more than sex on the side.
Why do men seem to look for something else, even when they have what they need?
No one is perfect. I’m not perfect.
Our ‘friendship’ walks strange lines. We can’t go a week without one another. When we need something or want to talk about something important, we go to each other first. When we are physically hurt we use the other. We know each other so well we can tell the other’s mood by a message or a sentence, we can predict a conversation that the other wants to have. We want the same things in life, in a person.
It’s right there if he just grasps it. I’m right here.
If he can’t respect me for the woman I am then I’ll take a step back. I’m a midwife. I play piano, guitar and sing. I did a biochemistry degree. I love hiking, exploring and travelling. I draw, paint and make things from what I find. I’m a gardener.
I’m worth more than this.
I’m here if he wants me, but he has to appreciate me for the woman I am, and want that.
I don’t want to meet someone new.
I love him and I’m ready to be in love with him again.
But. I won’t beg. I won’t ask more than once. I won’t be taken for granted.
Lasses in my situation, refusing to let go, we are worth more.