Q&A

This blog has been about honesty and transparency from the start,  and,  if the one man who definitely won’t be reading it knew…he’d laugh.
His Monday to Friday work is around ‘transparency’. This often quoted word, that I dashed across his head like a glass during a heated moment, has become mine.
A concept I now see to be as fragile as glass itself.

It’s been about honesty with my friends and my family…with myself.
The moment I put this shit online I knew I would need to start facing truths,  but it doesn’t make it easy!
I also accept that even though I am sharing this,  you might not want to read it.  My family will certainly find things in here that will cause them to judge,  turn away or wish they hadn’t read it.  For that I apologise,  but if I am going to be able to use this outlet fully, the metaphors are going to be underpinned by gritty detail.

The honesty I’m asking of myself is the reason I haven’t written in almost a month,  and why I haven’t written directly about myself and my situation for longer.
I’m ignoring a lot of wisdom and truth.

***

I have started writing the next part of this post 10’s of times and failed to find a way of describing my situation in a narrative.  So I’ve decided on a Q&A,  except the A part isn’t going so well….

Q.

You don’t need anything else right?
Just friends…right?

Why can’t you let go?!
What is so special about this person and what they bring to your life that you leave yourself open to being hurt,  over and over again.
(A question my friends keep asking)

Is the reason you can’t let him go because you have let so many relationships die?

Have you have bared your soul for the last time and you can’t give up the last person who truly knows you?
Are you clinging to this familiarity because of a fear of the unknown,  and how it could possibly trick you again?

Are you tired?

Why do you think of him first when you’re alone, drunk, horny, tired, angry, sad, excited about life or just, simply…in need of a decent conversation?  Why when something happens,  is the first person you want to tell,  him?  Why are you the first person he calls and yet…not his person?

Every time you hear about a date he has been on you ask how it went.  You hope it went badly but it won’t have.
He’s a fucking catch.
You hope it won’t work out,  and when it doesn’t your day is suddenly brighter.  Why do you think that is?  COME ON.

Will you ever walk away?

A.

No.  Sometimes a bond with another person is so strong you can feel it like an invisible rope going from their chest to yours.  It isn’t necessarily love but it isn’t easy to break or pull away because of the time invested in weaving it.
When you are physically far from one another it feels stretched.
It takes time to strengthen that kind of bond.

You are not ready to loose and love again.
You cannot face the inevitable pain that comes with giving someone your everything. You think the people who deny such pain are fools.
You look at a young relationship and count the weeks,  wait with the wine.

You are essentially alone, and pretending.  Fucking stop it.

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