I find myself in an afternoon with very little to do and, unsurprisingly, I find myself on the verge of tears. I’m sat in my favourite coffee shop which I feel deserves an introduction….
Whether it’s raining or not there is a row of wooden tables outside, mostly for when the staff have a fag break, which is delightfully often. An example of how the cafe is in it’s own little universe, proven by the fact the staff don’t follow the old ‘smoke 200 metres away from the premises’ rule that dominates everyone elses mundane life.
They’re happy staff. They whistle. They shout at each other from the kitchen to the bar and NO ONE MINDS.
Three CD racks, stuffed full of old jazz and soul, take up one wall behind the bar so the staff can choose what they fancy. Sometimes the tuneless jazz reminds me of my Dad mindlessly whistling in the garden and I leave a bit earlier. Other days I end up with a welcome addition to my Spotify ‘discovery’ playlist and stay for another.
Another wall is stuffed with photographs of the owner’s family, making the place fantastically human and you wonder who all the smiling faces are.
There is a kind man called Richard who runs the place. He doesn’t know my name but I’ve overheard his! He has a family of regular customers that love the little haven he has created, and come back. If you are ever in Headingley, Leeds – visit Cafe Lento and say Hello from me.
But here I go again, procrastinating from the topic I started writing about with pointless descriptives…Let me try again.
I feel myself drawn here when I’m alone in the flat. Without analysing it too much and calling it ‘therapy’, I think this place is my solution to loneliness. Perhaps this is my new life! Allotment on a sunny day and Cafe Lento when it’s so cold I can’t feel my hands.
I’m healing, slowly.
In true ‘me’ style. I’ve broken down what I have stumbled into doing to help myself heal and identified the things I’ve done wrong – if you’ve any recommendations/ Buddhist teachings/recipes that you recommend let’s share, hive mind!
*Thailand is booked and, having based our plans around getting out of Bangkok for as long as possible, it seems I will be exploring a lot further than I’d dared to hope! We are driving North to Chiang Mai, and on wards. I’m not even going to look at a map until I am there…I may even draw my own!
Like a true explorer I shall take pencil, paper and Nikon FM2.
I need to find decent film for the old brick…
I’ll be staying with a chap who I used to live with, date, fancy and hate. One of those relationships that AIN’T BORING. He loves women. He loves our skin, hair, eyes and curvy bums…the way we smell and kiss. When he talks that way it’s like he is describing art, nothing chauvinist about it.
I’ve tried to explain our relationship in detail about five times and failed. In a sentence?
He infuriates me, he’s a nob, but we are very close. We are platonic dance partners.
There will be no romance on this holiday, not that my wee soul could take it (cue tiny violin). We are meeting his girlfriend for the Songkran festival in Chiang Mai so if we are on the verge of killing each other, he’ll be saved. It’ll be fantastic to see him happy if he is!
**The Allotment. Digging is definitely recommended…
Step one of my sustainable living project, is my main source of healing. It’s been a pull both physically and mentally.
Because it’s my project, it’s almost like everyone who get’s involved with it becomes a parent. When they leave, I feel like a single Mum doing all the work on my own. For this (rediculous) reason, plot 49a is already full of memories and ghosts. I am constantly reminding myself that it is my garden, I’m the one designing it, I’m the one building it and I don’t need no man to help me. Unless I need to move a shed…Dammit.
I planned and applied for my allotment with my ex-ex, and started working on it with my ex. Both are, as is obvious, now ex’s. Perhaps I should think of them as people who came into my life when I needed them, and left when I didn’t. Both are, annoyingly, present in my mind when I go there but…ya know what? It just makes me work harder.
HA. LOOK AT ME LIFT THIS HEAVY LOG ON MY OWN! ….
*** Pilates. Again highly recommended for healing the body and soul. I’m thinking of trying to find a mentor to teach me meditation. I love the ideas behind Buddhist teaching and am reading a book to build on this. I need to find calm to hear my own thoughts. A wise new friend of mine said that I may find peace in motion?
****This blog. Note to self. Write a post about the positives of the last relationship, because there were so many and it’s only right to remember.
*Attempting to date. I have been on one in the last fortnight, but it felt like I was reliving a dream. I was reciting my interests and asking mundane questions like ‘what do you like doing outside of work’?! How embarrassing…. I must have appeared so dull. Not ready for THAT quite yet. No rush ey?
**Drinking. I’ve learnt that, with my current state of fragile mind, alcohol be a BAD IDEA. Eg. I went to a gig with my friends and ended up doing a teenage flip out and wandering off…not fair on my mates. Not fair at all. The plan is to stay off the booze for a while…
***Not talking to my wider family about this…. I want to be open with everyone about what I am feeling as I have issues with lack of communication before now. The thing is, I’ve been through this so often before, they will probably be fed up of hearing it. I’m ashamed to be heartbroken, and ashamed to introduce a new name every Christmas.
I feel like I am slowly healing and that I have a lot more to write. Treating this like a problem to be solved may seem unhealthy to some, but I love solving puzzles.
I am my own puzzle.
…Perhaps I could this process to show people in similar situations how to find their firstcorner piece.